I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
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Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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