last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
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I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
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the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.