11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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