holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
