I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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