Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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