Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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