The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
