got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
