Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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