the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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