this beer tastes like vomit already
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
