and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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