Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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