No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
