I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
