She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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