he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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