You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
