I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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