i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
