Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I want to fling myself into the sun
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
