I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
