If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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