I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
