dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
