i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
