You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
