A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
