Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
