I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I am mentally ready for anal.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
