I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
