I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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