Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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