i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
