Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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