lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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