At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
