I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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