Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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