Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
