so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
