Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
