yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
