Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
cat food counts as protein by the way
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I forget how to act sober
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
