She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
