I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
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The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
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"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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