I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
