I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
