you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The Olympian is in my bed
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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