got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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