The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
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Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
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sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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