Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
