dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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