4 words: hood of his car
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Randomize
