I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
