he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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