just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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