New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
