i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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